|A kick in the crotch
||[Aug. 12., 2010|07:01 am]
I've whined about my relationship issues more times here than I care to count. But nothing I've gone through before has prepared me for this.
Le Lutin/M³/TMT--pick whatever cute moniker you like--won't talk to me. He ignores my texts, my calls. I haven't tried e-mailing but I don't see why the results would be any different. He's even deFriended me on Facebook--which trivial as it sounds feels particularly final because he never uses it; it required an express effort.
As I've said, he's not the first person I considered a good friend to stop speaking to me. What makes this different is what a sudden decisive stroke it is. Two weeks ago this morning, as you may remember, we flew to Montreal together. We had some difficulties during the trip, but we talked openly about them and worked through them--or so I'd thought. By the end of it, we'd basically affirmed the status quo. His last words to me were a cheery "I'll call you tonight, bubba!"
He never did. I figured we both needed some space after so much intense togetherness, so I waited until Tuesday night to call him. Friends of his are coming in town--the very friends in whose apartment we stayed. They reportedly want to go to Touché, so we had made plans for them to come over to my place Saturday night. I left a couple of my shirts in their closet; he was going to ask them to return them to me. Now I wonder what explanation he's given them for why none of this is happening.
I feel like a betrayed spouse. The really shocking thing isn't the rejection, it's the deception. How long ago did he decide he was going to do this? Could it even have been before the trip? It's like he saw himself as an abuse victim, or someone trapped with a crazy person--do whatever you can to humour them until you can make good your escape. Am I really so intimidating and horrible?
Worse, it makes me react like a crazy person. I want to hunt him down and force him to deal with me. To tell me to my face that he never wants to see me again instead of choosing the coward's way out. It's pointless, it's not rational, it's all ego. I know these things. But I can't help it. But the surest way to make me angrier than hell is to ignore me completely.
Most friends who fall out of touch simply do so in stages. At some point, you just realise you haven't seen them in six months, a year. (Two years this month in the case of Rubeus and ottr4bear.) Sometimes a move out of town provides a natural break. Or there's a final blow-up, when you both say things that you can never take back and walk away. snowy_owlet and I ended our friendship explicitly and by mutual consent--you know, like civilised adult people. I was prepared to do that with him. I was prepared for gradually increasing indifference. But this? It's a kick in the crotch.