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A kick in the crotch [Aug. 12., 2010|07:01 am]

I've whined about my relationship issues more times here than I care to count. But nothing I've gone through before has prepared me for this.

Le Lutin/M³/TMT--pick whatever cute moniker you like--won't talk to me. He ignores my texts, my calls. I haven't tried e-mailing but I don't see why the results would be any different. He's even deFriended me on Facebook--which trivial as it sounds feels particularly final because he never uses it; it required an express effort.

As I've said, he's not the first person I considered a good friend to stop speaking to me. What makes this different is what a sudden decisive stroke it is. Two weeks ago this morning, as you may remember, we flew to Montreal together. We had some difficulties during the trip, but we talked openly about them and worked through them--or so I'd thought. By the end of it, we'd basically affirmed the status quo. His last words to me were a cheery "I'll call you tonight, bubba!"

He never did. I figured we both needed some space after so much intense togetherness, so I waited until Tuesday night to call him. Friends of his are coming in town--the very friends in whose apartment we stayed. They reportedly want to go to Touché, so we had made plans for them to come over to my place Saturday night. I left a couple of my shirts in their closet; he was going to ask them to return them to me. Now I wonder what explanation he's given them for why none of this is happening.

I feel like a betrayed spouse. The really shocking thing isn't the rejection, it's the deception. How long ago did he decide he was going to do this? Could it even have been before the trip? It's like he saw himself as an abuse victim, or someone trapped with a crazy person--do whatever you can to humour them until you can make good your escape. Am I really so intimidating and horrible?

Worse, it makes me react like a crazy person. I want to hunt him down and force him to deal with me. To tell me to my face that he never wants to see me again instead of choosing the coward's way out. It's pointless, it's not rational, it's all ego. I know these things. But I can't help it. But the surest way to make me angrier than hell is to ignore me completely.

Most friends who fall out of touch simply do so in stages. At some point, you just realise you haven't seen them in six months, a year. (Two years this month in the case of Rubeus and ottr4bear.) Sometimes a move out of town provides a natural break. Or there's a final blow-up, when you both say things that you can never take back and walk away. snowy_owlet and I ended our friendship explicitly and by mutual consent--you know, like civilised adult people. I was prepared to do that with him. I was prepared for gradually increasing indifference. But this? It's a kick in the crotch.
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[User Picture]From: keyne
2010-08-13 05:20 am (UTC)
One (apparently former) close friend dropped out of my life like this, suddenly ignoring all my friendly attempts at contact, and to this day I have no idea why he did it. Another former friend cut me out of her life too, but at least she had the courage to deliver a psychotic rant first, so I had some vague idea of what her Issues were.

And I stopped trusting someone who stabbed me in the back, but because of complicated interloyalties I've remained civil and surface-friendly with that person despite no longer considering it a friendship.

But every other friendship I can think of that's ebbed in intensity has simply done so via time or distance -- I've never experienced one of those fabled mutual "friendship breakups" I keep hearing references to. I'm bewildered by why a pair of friends would do that.
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[User Picture]From: anicca_anicca
2010-08-13 07:55 am (UTC)
I can relate. Losing someone because they've grown to dislike you is one thing. Not pleasant but understandable, and it can happen. I don't even think that someone has to explain themselves in that case. But pretending everything is fine and then slam the door in someone's face like they're not even there is awful.

I guess people who don't shun confrontations can't understand the cowardice (I guess that's what it is) of others.
(By which I'm not saying that combativeness is better than cowardice, just ways in which people are different.)
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[User Picture]From: muckefuck
2010-08-13 01:35 pm (UTC)
I think there are fundamentally two different strategies for protecting yourself here: one is to go on the offensive, the other is to withdraw completely. And nature has dictated that someone like me--who is always on the offensive--inevitably winds up with people whose instinct is to withdraw. (Pretty much describes everyone I've ever dated since owenthomas.)

I'm very comfortable analysing my feelings and verbalising my analysis. I can see how, in a discussion, someone who responds more emotionally is at a distinct disadvantage. I don't think I was needlessly cruel, but I said some hard things to him in Montreal and perhaps he couldn't bear the prospect of hearing more. All I know is that I'll never know.
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[User Picture]From: innerdoggie
2010-08-15 08:52 pm (UTC)
The only non-sexual friendship I can remember me deliberately dropping was with a college friend who was having scary mental-health issues. I thought it might be physically dangerous to stay too close.

Other friendships drift away for me. I feel like I'm just terrible at staying in touch with people like I should, and I try to get back in touch. Sometimes I have "shy attacks" where the attempts fail totally, and the other person is probably totally fed up with me for that.

Sorry all this is happening to you!
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[User Picture]From: danthered
2017-03-07 05:29 am (UTC)
the surest way to make me angrier than hell is to ignore me completely. It's a kick in the crotch.
It is exactly that. With a steel-toed boot. In slow, time-release motion. That whole constellation—ignored, stood up, left waiting, ghosted, unfriended, shunned—stabs at my sorest of sore spots.
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